ELLIES'S STORY

My message to others is that it does get better.

After years of living with shame and suffering, I found my drinking just spiralled down worse and worse.

In my teens and 20’s, I was always the party girl. Either the one throwing the parties or the life of a party. In my 30’s I would go through patterns of big benders, social events involving lots of wine or shots and then go on a new cleanse or gym challenge which would help reset me for a while. It has taken a very long time for me to admit that there was even a mild issue. I have been an expert at hiding my drinking habits and just how bad things were, both physically and mentally. I knew that if something didn’t change alcohol would take my life. It was just a matter of when.

Last year, I decided to contact Thorne Harbour to inquire about the Drink Limits program. I told my partner on the premise that I was drinking a ‘little’ too much and wanted to concentrate on my health. Little did she know the extent of how bad things had gotten.

My drinking was a great diversion to the shame and clinical depression that I have felt over my life. But it stopped working. It got to the point where my mental health got worse, which led me to drinking more…you get the drift. Things were not getting any better and I continued to spiral into a world with no ‘stop button’. After a particularly shameful evening where I again blacked out, and at a work event whilst also shaming my partner, I woke up with the dread that my continued detrimental behaviour would drive my partner away. I decided to leave the house and find a truck to walk in front of. I wasn’t going to half do it, but find a decent load!

I didn’t find a truck that day and even though I was feeling dreadful I knew that it was time to seek some help, however I didn’t know what this looked like. I had already been seeing my GP and psychologist regularly as well as tapping into Thorne Harbour. I kept calling Thorne Harbour until I reached one of the Drinks Limits contacts and together we navigated next steps.

It feels like it’s been a long journey and one that I’m still trying to overcome. I’m very grateful for my partner and a couple of friends who know some of my darkness. I’ve drastically changed some habits, am trying to implement learnings and leaning on many resources to help get me through. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine an event or a day without a drink. Not now...it does get better! It might be up and down along a rocky road...but I’ve got this.